To Start

Do I dwell on why I’ve moved here? Do I start the story from the beginning? Or do I pick today as a new start and begin fresh without the bad memories?

This is suppose to be a sanctuary. It is my NEW safe place where I don’t have to worry about being stalked by someone who repeatedly told me he didn’t love me anymore, that he didn’t care about me anymore, that I wasn’t worthy of his time. I want to write freely, without having to worry about my phone exploding with scathing remarks about talking what I’ve been through.

There are several things that I’ve come to decide in the last two months since this whole ordeal began.

1. If you’re partner can’t show you respect, value your opinion, wear the goddamn wedding ring after saying vows of marriage because it’s important to you, he’s not really your partner and should have never proposed because he really never wanted to be married. He’s not worth your time.

2. If people repeatedly pull you to the side and ask why you put up with certain behaviors, especially those that belittle you in front of other people, and then he belittles you for enjoying collecting things from favorite genres and geeky things, then he’s not worth keeping. He’s especially not worth keeping if he won’t even allow you to display your knick-knacks (in a tasteful manner) because for some reason being a geek is shameful.

3. If he can’t appreciate you and accept you for you, then why are you married to him? I am not a skinny blonde barbie doll, but for some reason, he seemed to think that’s what I needed to become. And despite all of THAT work I put in to be a “skinny person”, I still wasn’t good enough for him. You should never stay with someone who thinks they need to continuously change you into something your not.

There is a little unknown fact that others are not familiar with. Six months into our engagement, I tried to give him back his ring because of how he was riding me. I was working 60 to 80 hours a week. I was then doing an additional 40 to 60 hours of work on my master’s degree and yet he still expected me to keep the house, cook food, and be this skinny person he could show off. Let me add that he wasn’t working at the time. He was home most of the day.

Marriage, or even partnership, is not about being 50-50. Each partner should be placing 110-110 percent into a relationship. If one is working all the other time, the other should be picking up the housework. My grandparents are a great example of this. When grandpa retired and grandma was working all the time, he did all the housework. He even learned how to cook things for dinner. He showed her respect by helping out and learning things he may not of known how to do.

That is what a marriage is and suppose to be. Mutual partnership based on love and respect.

So, here is to my new safe space. May I never be forcefully censored again.

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