Pretty versus Beautiful

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone tell me that I’m beautiful. Not even my ex. I was always “cute” or “pretty”. I’ve often described myself as “the girl next door pretty” too, which probably doesn’t help.

He told me I was beautiful. I tell him he’s handsome. I think I’m in love.

After the pain I’ve been in for most of this year, it’s hard to even consider that this is a possibility. It feels strange sometimes because I said words to one man for 11 years and I never fathomed that I would be saying the same words to a different person, a different man. We’ve made plans for the future, taken an effort to invest in each other. I have no clue where this is going, but I’ve been enjoying the ride for the most part.

This week was hit and miss for the most part. Got into one argument with the ex. I got an email that he had changed his address for his banking accounts. I was on his notification list in his profile because he was horrible about checking his email when he got fraudulent alerts. I was his backup. I sent him a text, pretty much to say “Hey, I’m getting notifications. Can you please remove me? I really don’t want to know what you’re doing with your accounts.” It was an innocent text, not meant to be malicious, more of a dude, might be good to update that bit of information in your profile.

He freaked out and bitched/cursed at me about complaining about an email. I got angry back and told him to act like an adult, and how would he like to get email notifications about me updating my address when we’re getting a divorce and that was a stupid thing to get angry at me about.

It took a bit and then he said sorry that he had had a bad morning and that I was being nice while he was being a jerk.

I wanted to be snotty in reply to him, but I didn’t. I kept my fingers still. It’s not worth the effort. But I am glad that I stood up for myself. I have to wonder how often I was used as a scapegoat and how often I ignored it? I know this isn’t the first time that he’s gotten mad at me when I didn’t do anything to have him react this way.

It was one of those moments when I realized that the person I thought I knew, that I thought I loved, was a complete and utter stranger to me. I don’t want to be a part of someone’s life if they are always going to be that angry, that they’ll lash out at someone because they are conveniently there. I’ve never wanted to have that kind of negativity in my life. And I’ll strive to not become that angry person back.

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