Pieces of Me

Reflection on 2015

December 11, 2015

It’s December. And what do I typically do during this month? I reflect. And quite honestly, this year royally sucked. When you get down to the nitty gritty, I didn’t accomplish anything that I had hoped to do this year. Instead I went through an emotional rollercoaster of hell, and somehow, someway, I’ve come out the other side, a little bloody, a little beat up, but whole and, surprisingly, mentally still competent.

So, the bad:
Caught my husband having an affair with an older woman. – I don’t think I really need to elaborate on this.

Got to learn the ins and outs of divorce law. – Again, not going to elaborate.

Experienced what a mental breakdown feels like and may even have had a brief brush with the idea of insanity. – Before I figured out what was going on, I thought I was losing my mind. Almost thought about going to the psych ward to commit myself because I was seriously having a hard time holding it together. Then again being continuously rejected for affection, made to feel horrible about life choices by the person whose suppose to be your rock, do you blame me?

Got to experience the stress of being a military contractor. – Where they failed to renew my contract in a timely manner and I ended up moving jobs.

Those really are a brief touch of the bad things that happened this year. The turning point of my year? Was when we hit August and I caught the lying cheating bastard.

So, the good:
Met a really, really nice genuine guy. – Part of me holds my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. Part of this I blame on the trust issues I now harbor do to my recent situation. I’ve forgotten what its like to be important to someone; to be seen as beautiful and not continuously criticized for my weight, my health choices, my life choices, the things I love in general, and my choice of employment.

Moved jobs. – And I think I made the right choice. I’ve learned so much more about environmental laws and regulations in the last nine months that I would of never learned had I stayed where I was at… my resume is definitely fluffy now. I’m appreciated where I work, constantly told how I awesome I am and overall enjoy the atmosphere. (Its not like last year, where the office felt cutthroat and someone was going to end up bloody and bleeding in their cubicle).

I am financially stable. – Kind of a surprising thing to probably write, but I am stable. It’s amazing to realize where all of the money has been going for the last six years when you suddenly have money to buy things when you need it or want it and still be able to pay all the bills AND pay yourself by putting money into a savings account. It is such a beautiful thing, you have NO IDEA.

I have things to look forward too. – This time last year, I was so stressed. I was stressed about our finances. I was frustrated with Joe because he wouldn’t make up his mind about what to do with his life. I was stressed with work because working in an office full of confusing backwards talking people who say one thing and mean something completely different was frustrating, where I couldn’t fully be myself and relax and just do my job was hard. Now, my career is finally where I want it to be at… I’m not wondering why my STBX is keeping me in the dark and if he’s going to be coming home drunk again and in a pissed off mood. I am actually getting to go travel FOR FUN next week for MY BIRTHDAY and you have no idea how excited that makes me. I’m actually not struggling with SAD this year either which is a blessing in disguise.

And with all of those plans, I’m going to save that for another post. I have a few projects that I’m motivated to work on and I’m ready to plunge myself back into hobbies that I haven’t done in a really long time. I have ideas and I have energy for the first time in months because I don’t have to wonder if something else is going to break that I’m going to have to find money to repair. It’s so nice to have this kind of energy and this kind of clarity, you have no idea.

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  1. I’m so glad that you see so many things improving in your life!! That you struggle with trust is only natural after what you’ve been through. Now enhoy tour boyfriend, money, birthday, hobbies etc!! Do you have a place to call home yet?

    1. I owe you an email lol

      Yes sort of… the Beau is buying a house and I’ve agreed to move there with him. So I’ll have my own little space in another month or so… it’s going to be so nice… and it’s also wonderful too have things to look forward to and not feel like this dark cloud is hovering over me.

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