I was going through and cleaning up some files. I’ve used My Writing Spot for a while now as a place to jot notes down and start small writing bits. I was going through the files I had there and got caught off guard. At the beginning of this year, I had intended to write a weekly prompt. The first week was a letter to my past self.
Dear Past Me,
You can’t be hard on yourself. You didn’t know. You thought you saw something that clearly wasn’t there, or maybe it was, but it failed to stick around. When you started to see the signs, when you started to suspect that he was sneaking around, nobody can blame you for questioning your sanity. How could someone you loved, be so dirty?
Easy. They never respected you for who you were and for who you were suppose to be to them. And there were a lot of signs of disrespect. When his sisters tell you that he was downright mean to you, when you’re close friend says how much it bothers them, you should have listened. When you’re up close and personal to the problem, your blinders are on and you don’t even realize how little you see, or how little you choose to see.
It was not alright for him to reject being touched by you when you wanted to go in for a hug. It was not alright that he would ridicule you for your weight despite how much work you put into your appearance already. It is not alright that you find yourself continuously locking yourself in a bathroom and crying because you don’t know what to do and you don’t know how you are the problem.
When he wouldn’t let you look at his phone, when he would complain if you came to bother him while he was on a computer, when you lose count of how many times you’ve walked in on him with pornography and you haven’t been intimate in months… you knew it wasn’t going to last the way things were going. He even refused to get help.
Past self, you know better now. Let’s try and not let it happen again, but do have some pride.
You weren’t the source of his problems. You did try to get the two of you help. You are not the problem. You are perfect the way you are, body and soul. Nobody should try to change you into something you’re not.
Never change just to appease someone else in your life. Change because that’s something you want, that benefits you as a person, that puts you closer to whatever goal you’re chasing after.
I think I’ve come a long way since last year. I’m still struggling with some issues, confidence issues mostly, but I do know what I want out of life. I want to be happy, be satisfied, feel fulfilled. Now that I’m no longer burdened with someone trying to make me into something I’m not, who thinks money and being materialistic is the route to overall happiness, I feel like I’m on a much better path. I think the biggest thing is that I remember that I have a voice and that I’m important enough to have a valid opinion on things. And even more importantly, that I’m allowed to have an opinion.