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My Motivation is Slow and Lacking

I did not realize until I was checking comments that I have not bothered to write here in nearly a month and a half. I don’t even know where April went to… it was blink and gone. May is starting to feel the same too. Like my days have been merging into a muddled mess.

A few things have happened that I should probably make mention here. I attempted to get a supervisory position. I, honestly, have mixed feelings about whether I wanted it or not. I know that my career will eventually go that direction as it’s inevitable if you want to push yourself further and further along or advance in anyway. Something that I realized back in January, when I took a leadership course (which is pretty much introductory management things), was that half of the things that they taught us, were things I already did unconsciously without realizing it. Mentoring being one of them. When I was a little girl, the very first thing I wanted to be was a teacher, so I find it amusing that I get caught in this role with other people without even cautiously choosing it.

Those of us that are in this office at the higher level all chose to apply to the position that opened up. This was to push any undesirables off the list, and hopefully maintain the position with people already there. It’s a branch chief, designed to actually give people mobility without having to leave and come back. (We are an office of 12’s with no 13’s and our boss is a 14. The only way to go to the 14 is to get a 13 elsewhere. Its not possible to skip levels.) I made it passed the screenings, through the interview and then found out that my current leadership (used loosely), talked up my resume quite a bit… to the other candidates. I got this secondhand and, it’s honestly driven my anxiety up a bit. The only thing I lacked was how to manage some of our financial side of the business and actual supervisory experience (which I explained in the interview as not having had the opportunity).

The job, thankfully, went to an individual whose been in the office a few years longer than I’ve been here and honestly has seniority. I think the thing that’s been bothering me is I’m not a fan of my manager. Some days he is okay, other days, I can’t figure him out. So, because of this, I’ve played my cards close to my chest. I don’t typically volunteer what my skill sets are unless someone asks me or requests my help. Now that he’s seen my resume, I think he figured out I’ve been holding back on him. (He has been way more friendlier towards me and even has engaged in personal conversation which is something he hasn’t done with me and one of the reasons I haven’t gone out of my way on things for him.) I haven’t decided yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It does look like I will be sliding into the new chief’s old position (Air Management), so that’s kind of exciting. I’ve been doing Superfund work for the last few years, and I’ll be the first to admit, I’m feeling burned out. It’s not a difficult program, per-say, but it’s very administratively intensive.

So, that is the biggest development over the last month and a half. In between all of this, the fiancé survived his latest semester in college, I’ve tried to do personal projects off and on (finished a blanket I need to document still) and just mostly been existing. I did a lot of traveling in April and I’m getting ready to do some more traveling at the end of May. I’m hoping the rest of the summer tapers out and I can find a balance within myself between work and personal time. I have a lot of personal projects planned that I want to write about in the future. Like shelf building and fence installation planning. The roommate is also planning to leave us here soon, so we’ll be working on moving the house around too (moving our bedroom downstairs, turning the other downstairs room into a hobby/craft shop and then setting the bedroom upstairs as a guest room for visitors).

One thing I can say for sure, I’m at least not bored for the most part. I just have been kind of sucking at that life documenting capability that I use to be so good at… summer goal to work on perhaps?


  1. It’s amazing how fast a month can go by when your busy. I felt like April and now May slipped by without me noticing as well. I can’t believe it is the 20th of May already (if barely). Good for you for applying for a supervisory position but I am sorry to hear you didn’t get it 🙁 It’s a shame your manager talked your resume up to the other candidates, I’d be annoyed by that too. Don’t give up!

    • K K

      I think the biggest thing is that while I know I could have done the job, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t ready for the stress it would bring.

      And it’s june already? Good grief lol

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