Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

I haven’t really known what to write about since I got back from my family emergency trip. I think, I’ve been mostly living through the motions and coming to terms with what happened. I may never know the why or what the trigger was, or anything of that nature, but I am glad that she’s not suffering anymore.

She died on February 10th at noon, surrounded by family that loved her. I’ve never been present when someone has moved on or simply ended and I think I might still be processing some of that too. My mom asked me if I was struggling with the concept of mortality or anything of that nature after having witnessed it. I haven’t.

I’m very much an atheist. I believe in science and what I can touch, taste, hear, and smell. I’ve not struggled with what happened to her after death or if there’s such a thing as life after death. If she believed in that, she went there. If it doesn’t exist, then that was that. Maybe I’m a bit to compartmentalized with this, or maybe it feels/sounds heartless. I made peace with myself a long time ago that I would live the best life that I knew how to live without dwelling about what came after. I’ve never wanted to waste the life I’ve given, thinking about preparing for something that may or may not exist. I want to enjoy life, living it the fullest I can and not doing something like drinking myself to death because I’m struggling to face something. I’m not sure if I was able to fully explain this to my mother that mortality isn’t what I’ve been struggling with.

It’s wasting the life part that confuses me, that I struggle the most with.

After going through the divorce with my ex-husband, that was another promise I made to myself. I wouldn’t suffer for the sake of suffering if I was in a place in my life where I was unhappy. It’s a frank conversation I’ve had with my current partner. It’s why I’ve chosen the jobs I’ve chosen, built the career I’ve had, chosen to stay here in Alaska. Nobody should commit to a life where they feel like they have to develop unhealthy habits to escape it. THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. Swallow the pride, be humble when you know that life isn’t perfect (and stop pretending that it is when it’s not for you), figure out the best choice for yourself and preferably not one that could kill you slowly.

They aren’t burying her in a place, or placing a head plaque for her somewhere so we can remember her later. Apparently, she didn’t want that, didn’t want to be remembered. I think, that’s the saddest thing of all.

Spring is near us, so I’m planning on writing about happier things now. With the warmth coming back, the snow melting, I’m looking forward to greener things and the sounds of life coming back to the world.

4 Comments

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your Aunt. I am sorry you are going through this. I am glad to hear she was surrounded by your family. I think I am like you. I am a bit compartmentalized about death as well. I lost an uncle this past October and one 5 years before that. One was sudden and very unexpected and that one for me was harder to deal with then the most recent one who should have been on a heart transplant list but couldn’t because he refused to stop smoking or follow a diet and take his meds so they took him off. I felt at the time that I was being a little heartless about it but at the same time, it did affect me just not to the same extent. I have no real idea what I believe in and want to believe in “life” after death (ie. heaven) but at the same time, I believe in science and took much the same approach you mention here. Only time and reflection can heal pain. It never fully goes away but it gets easier. I try to concentrate on the good memories as much as possible.

    1. Thanks love for leaving a message <3

      Maybe when I'm older, I might treat it differently. If anything, it gave me a chance to reflect on things, which I can say I don't always get an opportunity to do.

  2. I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think your way of handling death is cruel or cold an any way. I’m not sure I have given death much thought myself. I guess because no one truly knows we can only imagine and use what thoughts would comfort us wither it be about an afterlife or none.

    1. Here and my mother is about the only people I can openly express my beliefs too. I’m just not to allowed to say “god’s dead” or an equivalent if I’m staying at my mom’s house. So, I think I feel mindful of things when I’m writing here, like I’m afraid of offending someone (even if its my personal space).

      The brain, it has such funky thoughts sometimes.

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